It's Been Awhile

I am still here! The baby and I are just fine. I have 500 excuses why I have been gone, but they are just that...excuses. I am trying to catch up on all of your blogs.  Please do not think I have forgotten about any of you.  There is not one day that I do not continue to pray for each and every one of you.  I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas!


I still cannot believe that I am passed the "halfway" mark. The baby is kicking up a storm and it is fantastic! I love the little reminders that the baby is doing just fine. Here are some recent pics of the baby. Stubborn would definitely be a word that I would describe our child already. Our ultrasound took forever...not that I minded. I could look at those images all day. The baby had their legs all the way up at their head. They do not get this acrobatic technique from their momma!

I am going to promise to catch up on all your blogs now.  So sorry for being gone so long!!!

Baby Skeletor

Does it make me a bad Mom that I totally thought our latest baby pics were SUPER creepy!? Seriously, it was a couple days before Halloween (15 weeks) and I thought my babies costume was Skeletor! Now, I think the baby is still absolutely gorgeous and I will happily love my skeletor baby...but seriously it is undeniably creepy. I will let you be the judge....

What do you think?  Creepy...or just plain bad mother? :O)  J insited that this was all normal and all babies look like this right now and with shots straight on the face (not profile).  The other pics are of the babies hands and feet.  The baby was waving at one point.  I can just picture the baby waving and saying something like "Do you like my costume Mom and Dad!?  I worked really hard!  Sorry, I daydream a lot these days.
 
At one point during this visit the ultrasound technician (UT) turned the screen away from us.  My heart sank and my first thought was that something was wrong.  The UT and J were staring for what felt like forever, but was probably 10 seconds.  I anxiously asked if something was wrong.  The UT turned to J and asked if she was looking.  J said yes with a smile.  I said WHAT WHAT?!  Then J turned to us with a smile and said nothing, we were just finding out the gender.  WAIT, what!?  You just did what?!  OMG, someone out there knows the gender of our child!  No we have not changed our mind.  We still want to be surprised, but now know that someone out there knows...makes it sooo hard!  I instantly thought that it was a boy for them to know already they must have seen something.  J said, oh no we are pretty good and we can tell either way already.  She did say something later about the 20 week visit confirming so then I thought well maybe girl then.  Looks like we are continuing to get a surprise!  LOVE it!  Now let's hope J can keep her mouth shut :O)

Boy or Girl?

Long before IF was an issue I had always envisioned having a baby. Would it be a boy or girl? Who would they look like?  How would the labor be? Would I have a C-section? Will the baby be healthy? You know, all the questions we have all thought about. The one thing I knew, was I wanted to wait until we had the baby to find out if it was a boy or girl. This is a personal preference and I do not think there is anything wrong with finding out. I just feel that there are not enough good surprises in this life! I love the idea of everyone guessing. I love the idea of Jerry and I going back and forth with names up until the very end until we just see our baby and know. I love the idea of Jerry going out into the waiting room to tell our families It's a Boy! Or It's a Girl! Over the last few years this magical moment looked like something I would just dream about...that this would never happen.

That being said, I want to fill you all in on something that happened back at the time of our retrieval. As most of you know we had PGD done on our embryos. After 5 miscarriages our doctor felt there very well could be an embryo issue. It turns out he was right. Out of 22 embryos only 2 came back good PGD embryos. Because of OHSS, we had to postpone our transfer. In the meantime, I was emailed my PGD results. It lists out each embryo with an id # and then all of the chromosome abnormalities. It was quite alarming how many abnormalities there were. However, there was something else in the results that I was not prepared for either. Any of you out there that have had PGD testing or have researched probably know what I am about to say. Next to the embryo id....I could not believe it....there was the gender. I knew that PGD was also used for gender selection, but that was not why we chose it. I did not know that it was going to be in our results. Whether you find out in an ultrasound or wait until the birth of your child it is a pretty magical moment. Mine...was on an email while I was at work. One more special moment that IF took away from me.

I came home and was upset. Jerry could tell and asked what was wrong. I said, I know the gender of our babies. After being shocked and did not understand how, he immediately asked what they were. I told him that he did not want to know. He, very adamantly said yes he did. I said no you don't. Then explained, the moment I read those results they no longer became embryos. Yes, I believe these are babies at conception....but I was not expecting the feeling I had at that moment. I now saw their little faces. I now started to see different characteristics they would have. I started to see our two little babies everywhere. He agreed at that point he did not want to know. He did not want to get attached like I already had.  Because let's face it, our track record is not that great.

I thought of my dream as I talked about earlier. It did not matter at that point that it would not be a surprise anymore. This was way bigger. I could not imagine our lives without either one and having to wait months to have our transfer just intensified this feeling.

Everything changed once again when we had our ultrasound. There was only one baby. My heart did hurt. For the last several months I felt like I was the mother of these two children and not just embryos in a dish. The pain was replaced with joy to see that baby. Oh and the heartbeat...I still have not come down from that high. After all of these years of heartache I have come to the conclusion. God does have a plan for all of us..at times we may not see it...but I promise it is good!

I am sure that some of you may be saying it is easy for her to say, she is on the other side. However, as crazy as this sounds I am not sure I would take away anything that we have been through. My husband and I are closer than we have ever been. I cherish life. I cherish every moment of it. I appreciate the things that once I just expected out of life. And when our baby is born, when we hold that baby in our arms, because of this journey I will truly know how special that gift is.

The day our baby is born...I will still be getting my magical moment...boy or girl. Since there is only one baby I no longer know the gender. Tell me that God does not have a plan :O)

13 weeks

Here is an ultrasound pic from 13 weeks...

I hontestly do not think I have ever seen an ultrasound pic of the baby facing down like this.  The dr said they baby looked great.  I am actually not going to go back for two weeks this time instead of one week.  My bleeds are completely gone for now, so that is awesome.  It was strange not going to see the baby this past Friday, but I realize I have been very spoiled.  I can go two weeks when I know so many women only get to see their baby a couple of times in an entire pregnancy.  Doesn't make me miss them any less though.

There was a request for a baby bump pic.  This was at 13 weeks.  Not much of a bump.  More like a gut.  I think this week the bump is starting to appear a little more.  I will try to take another bay bump pic soon.  Not sure I will ever give a bare belly pic.  I have quite a few bruises from my Heparin shots.  Maybe down the road I will, just so I can record it and show the baby someday.

I am 14 weeks now..still cannot believe it.  Every day I thank God.  I am still praying everyday for each and every one of you that are still waiting on your miracle.  Love you all....

12 weeks

Once again, I have been slacking.  For some reason I am having all kinds of problems downloading more than one pic to a post.  Anyone else having this problem?  I guess I will have to make a couple different posts to fit the different pics.
Baby at 12 weeks....

Baby was putting on quite a show this day.  The babies legs were crossed and their arms were up by their head.  It made me think of someone just chillin in a hammock with their arms back behind their head.  I choose to believe that the baby was saying I am doing just fine in here Mom and Dad.  You do what you need to get ready for me, but I am doing just fine. 

The Cat is Out of the Bag...or Baby

So now I have really been slacking with the posts.  Sorry!  Where do I even begin?!  First and foremost our baby is still growing healthy and strong.  Thank you God!  Here are pics from our last two ultrasounds. 

This one was at 10 weeks.  The baby started waving and moving their legs.  It looked like baby was putting on quite a show for Mom and Dad!  That was the first time we saw the baby move.  Amazing!

This one is at 11 weeks.  The quality is not as good and the baby actually looks a little smaller, but boy look at that profile.  This was my first external ultrasound.  I have to say not having to drop my pants all the way....awe-some!  Oh and the goo...it is not THAT cold!  :O)

Other big news!!!  The cat is out of the bag!  Our families now all know the good news.  I never thought this day would come.  It is still so surreal!    After every time we announced it, I was first elated, and then ...it would creep in.  That doubt...that anxiety...that thought that now I have jinxed everything.  This is my last week in the first trimester.  You would think I would be able to relax a little bit.  Not a chance.  I still feel like everyday this gift is going to be taken away from us.  I hope that someday soon I will be able to just celebrate this life growing inside me.  However, after everything I am not expecting that to happen until the baby is in my arms.  Then we have a whole different level of worry!!

We made a video ( that for some reason I cannot get on here)that we showed almost everyone.  We said something along the lines of check this video out.  The first slide said INTRODUCING.  The second slide said BABY MILLER.  The third slide was a picture of the baby.  I believe we certainly surprised them all!  There was not a shortage on tears!
On two of the ultrasound pics I asked the ultrasound technician to write Hi Grandma and Grandpa on the screen.  She so kindly obliged.  I found a frame for both set of grandparents.  The quote said...  Just when you thought your heart was full....along comes a grandchild.  We gave our parents them right after we showed them the video.  My Mom said that she says goodnight to the picture each night.  *sigh*
Last week we got another video.  The baby was moving all around!  I think we may have a dancer on our hands!  Lord, let the child have more balance and coordination than their momma!

I promise to write more often than I have.  I am still keeping up on all of your blogs...just slacking on my own!

Quick Update

Not too much to say.  I have not had any terrible dreams like the last one.  They are all pretty vivid though and most of them I am pregnant.  Makes me smile when I wake up and know that it is not just a dream that I am pregnant.

Here is this past weeks ultrasound pics of the baby...

You can actually see the head, arms, and legs now.  Absolutely amazing!  Daddy says the baby looks like a teddy graham. 

I am still staying on all my meds.  My restrictions are still insane, but I agree with J it is better to be over cautious.  Next week we are going to try and get the heartbeat through the Doppler.  We are thinking of possibly telling our families finally at that point.  The rest of the world will still be awhile. 

Hope you are all having a good weekend!

Dream a little Dream

So I have to tell you about this crazy dream I had last night.  It was one of those so real and cannot get it out of your head dreams. 

I pulled up to this strip mall to pick up my wedding dress (I had just watched Say Yes to the Dress before I went to bed).  It was not like I was getting married.  I was picking it up from a place that used it as a costume.  I was on the phone with Jerry and my dress was just sitting outside cut up and dyed hot pink…I know..random. 

So I was standing there looking at my dress in shambles talking to Jerry on the phone when I see this guy walk up.  He had one hand in front of the other, hiding something.  He came right up to me.  I can still see his face and eyes in my head.  He put a gun to my head and said to give him my purse.  I did and then dropped the phone.  He took the purse and kept walking.  I heard him stop walking and I started to turn around and said please don’t, I am pregnant.  I then heard the gunshot and woke up.  I was drenched in sweat and had to catch my breath.  It was terrible.  My only thought before I heard the gunshot was that my baby was not even going to get a chance.  I already love this baby way more than my own life. 

Just wanted to thank God again for my gift. 
Love you baby.

Ultrasounds are my new best friend

I have so much to say and yet I find it so hard to get on here and write.  Where to begin??  This is gonna be lengthy.

Well, last Tuesday (31st) was my last appointment with Dr. P.A.  I called J (my previous nurse)  immediately with the good news and that I will once again be under her care.  At one point we were talking about medications and she said that a drug rep had been in and she had several samples of the Endometrin (suppositories).  Since they have been costing me $105 every week and a half I jumped at the chance to graciously accept some samples! 

So on Friday I drove over to the office.  When I have picked up meds in the past they have always just left it at the front desk.  The receptionist at the front desk, with a big smile, said J wants to see you.  Sweet!  Because I would love to see her, too!  I cannot express how much I love J.  She became very invested with Jerry and I.  That is just who she is.  She becomes very invested in each of her patients.  Seriously, I have seen tears.  Even when we moved on to IVF she continued to check in with me and personally call Dr. P.A. when things were not going smoothly.  I could go on and on about this woman.

Back to Friday.  I sat in her office and waited for her.  She came in with an enormous smile and gave me the biggest warmest hug.  Immediately she said I want to look.  Uh, wait...what?!  We are gonna go see the baby!  :O)  That we did.  She grabbed the ultrasound technician...no sign in or paperwork...just jumped up on that all too familiar table and got to get an impromptu ultrasound.  Did I mention that Jerry was not with me?  J took a pic on her phone and sent it to him.  She said while you are out having fun I get to see your baby.  He responded immediately back with , who is this?  J said the only one that knows the inside of your wife better than you.  Awesome!  he knew exactly who it was at that point!  He was so jealous!  Baby looked great!  We hugged some more and there were tears.  I will never forget that moment.  We then went back in her office and talked for almost an hour.  I am thinking of naming my child after her....might be weird if it is a boy :O)  Just kidding.

Sunday afternoon...more spotting.  Nothing heavy, but really takes it out of you when you see it.  I text J and she said go home, take a progesterone shot, and get in bed.  She would get the key to the office and meet me there in the morning (uh she was referring to Monday..holiday).  I had to once again lie to my family why now I cannot go out to dinner when I just talked to them 10 minutes ago and our plans were still on .  I am absolutely sick of lying!!!  The spotting went away as soon as I got home and took my shot.  I called J in the morning and said that I could just wait until Tuesday (when I was scheduled for an appt).  Since this had happened the previous week I felt everything was ok especially since it was very light and went right away again.

Yesterday (7th)  went in for babies 4th ultrasound already and I am not even 8 weeks yet.  Baby is still doing just fine.  Heartbeat is at 150...whoa!  Dad says the baby now looks like a hippo...awesome...may need a bigger house.  I do have a couple "bleeds."  It is from my MTHFR and I knew that I would have a very good chance of getting them during pregnancy.  Nothing to be alarmed about at this time, but if they get bigger or I get more I will be put on bedrest.  Usually no longer than a week at a time until the bleeds go away.  This may be a pretty rough pregnancy, but will be well worth it!!  J went over all my meds with J and at this time I am staying on everything.  She sent me over to get another intralipids infusion.  She felt it was important to go sooner than later.  So once again...lied to my boss.  I hope when this is all said and done there is a patient priest that will listen to all of my confessions!

Next ultrasound.. next week.  J said we will do an ultrasound every week for at least the first trimester....as if I mind  :O)

Here is this weeks ultrasound pics...

The Most Beautiful Sound We Have Ever Heard

Saturday afternoon I spotted.  All of our past miscarriages came rushing back to me.  I was beyond devastated.  I called the exchange, knowing they could not do anything, but did not know where to turn.  The nurse said to take it easy, lay down, and drink some water.  I did just that, however we had about 10 friends coming over to hang out for the evening.  Oh and most were on their way already.  It was so hard!  I lied and said that I hurt my back.  That got me out of a lot of movement and holding babies.  I could not think of anything else with a house full of friends.  I knew it was over.

Well, pleasantly I was wrong.  The spotting stopped and I had nothing more since that afternoon.  We just went today for our 2nd ultrasound.  Our baby is just fine!  I am not sure I have ever taken a sigh of relief so big!  Doc said it was probably an irritant from the suppositories. 

Then...we heard....the most beautiful sound we have ever heard....our babies heartbeat.  Nothing prepares you for such an amazing moment.  There is not just cells growing inside you.  There is one little tiny perfect heartbeat!  I pray that you all get to experience this someday.  This moment was worth all the pain, heartache, and money!  Without further delay, our baby at 6w4d....

This was our last appt with Dr P.A.  I cannot believe it!  When we left I immediately called J (our nurse from our previous dr).  Months ago I said how much I loved her and how it was hard to leave her care.  Her office does not do IVF, but she continued communicating with Dr. P.A. (she is good friends with him and also works for his brother).  I text her to call me when she had a chance.  She immediately called me and sounded scared.  Our conversations are usually not about anything good so I could tell she was nervous about what I was going to tell her.  I immediately blurted out the words, I am pregnant!  Maybe even before hello.  It felt so good to say those words.  Oh yeah, if I have not said already we have not told our friends and family.  We are still waiting.  Not sure when will be the moment, but we just really want to feel like we are in a good place and we can say the words without any reservation.  I understand no date will ever be "safe," but to have heartbeat and several ultrasounds would make us more confident.  Oh and it is KILLING us!

So I am getting off track.  Anywho, we already have an appt with J and Dr. G.A. next week.  J is talking about running some tests (did not go into detail), ultrasound, intralipids, and on and on.  It just made me feel so much better.  She said she wants to be over cautiouss with me.  Awesome, cause I am already there!!

Thank you again for all of your continued support and congrats!  I feel you are all my friends that know some of the best and worst about me.  I am forever grateful for each and everyone of you!!

Introducing.....

Our baby......

I think these are my most favorite pictures ever!!  Even though my darling husband said that it looked like bad weather.  Got to love him!  We are thrilled and elated!  I figured based on my betas there was only going to be one.  Please do not hate me for saying I was a bit sad to see that both did not make it.  I am beyond happy and know how incredibly blessed we are.  It is just that I have prayed for these particular babies since April so yes, my heart does hurt a bit that they both did not survive.  I know that it is all of God's plan and I trust him. 

Today I had some mixed emotions.  Like I said, I am completely over the moon and cannot stop smiling.  However, when we walked out of the room I whispered to the nurse in case there was a fellow IFr around.  When I made my appt at the front desk, I hid my ultrasound pics because there was another couple waiting.  When I went to get my intralipid infusion the nurse kept asking me about everything and if I was pregnant.  I felt guilty because there were two other women in there and I was unsure whether they were pregnant.  Then today I wanted to blog, but I kept thinking of everyone that has not been successful, yet.  I wish we could all be pregnant!  I hate that anyone is still waiting! 

So to all of you out there waiting, if this pregnancy continues to go well (please Lord let this baby continue to grow healthy and strong) please feel free to stop reading my blog.  I know how painful it can be.  I want to continue to be able to write about all my experiences and I understand that is not what you want to hear.  I am still going to be around reading your blogs and supporting you.  I love you all and have faith that we all will hold our miracles someday.

In God's Hands

So I am not sure where to start. This post has been in edit mode for about a week. First off, thank you for all your prayers and especially to all that has checked back in when I did not post anything. My heart has been all over the place. I will try to give you a play by play.

On Thursday, August 5th at 10:00 am 2 perfect embryos were thawed and transferred.

I did not POAS or ask for the 1st beta results. My office does two and then usually gives you the results after the second one, unless you request to get the first one early.

I am glad that I waited because it turned out that on Wednesday, August 11th - 6dp5dt my 1st beta was only a 4. Had I got them that day I would have figured it was negative.

Friday, August 13th - 8dp5dt I was a nervous wreck. I had convinced myself that it was negative. I felt nothing at all. I finally received a call..... They told me the 1st bet and then 2nd beta was..... 28.
So we were thrilled and over the moon. Still staying cautious with the #'s so low starting out. However, the nurse did say with FET's the HCG levels almost always start out lower than a fresh cycle....did she say this to make me feel better? Oh well...they way more than doubled in 24 hours.

Monday, August 16th - 11dp5dt rolls around. The 3rd beta is 74. Conversation from nurse.
Nurse: 74 is good. I would have loved to see 84, but 74 is good. Let's do another beta on Wednesday to make sure the #'s did not go up, but are on their way down. *Sigh*

I know that 74 is not terrible, but I cannot help but remember all the other times where it was such a #'s game. The...it's not bad...but hoped it would be....comments from the nurse. Then before you know it, our baby is gone again.

The last two days I did not know what to think! Technically I am pregnant, but is this going to turn out just like the other ones?? Let yourself be happy until you have something to be sad about...is what I kept trying to tell myself. It did not work. My luck sucks....if I did not have bad luck I would have no luck at all. I told God it was in his hands....and it looks like he heard me.....

Wednesday, August 18th - 13dp5dt......143! No, we are far from out of the woods. But today, I am thrilled. Today, I am pregnant! God is good and no matter what is in stored for us with this pregnancy I believe he does have a plan. I trust in him. Thank you God for our little miracle!

My heart is pretty heavy right now for many other women out there. If you have not already, I would love for you to show your support to Jessica at Dreams of A Baby. I am so sad that our journey is not continuing on together down the same path right now. However, I am positive that good things are soon to come for her. She is an amazing woman and and an awesome friend! There is also Mama J at Her Womb, Our Hearts. The faith and strength she has is so inspiring! Finally, I just met Waiting for a Baby Bump her last week, but instantly felt we were in similar boats. She has waited so long for a miracle and my heart hurts that she has to continue to wait. I love all three of you and not all of us have even met! Please know I pray every day for you. I am confident that God will prevail and your hearts will soon be full!

Just Breathe

So the FET is done.  All went well.  Our two PGD perfect embryos thawed just fine.  Thank you God!  Here is a pic of them two after they were transferred.

It looks like just one blob but they are both right where the little arrow is pointing.  Love you babies!  Hold on for this journey!  Mom and Dad really want to meet you!

I of course wore my necklace and could not forget my lucky fertility socks!!

Now I am in the midst of my 2ww.  Wow, how on earth do I think about anything else?  How on earth did you lovely ladies pass the time?  Every moment I am consumed by the thought that I am..or I am not.  If I am...how many?  Will this finally be it?  Will this be just like the others?  How could I go on if this is not it?  How awesome would it be to finally tell our families and friends if this is it?  Am I extra tired because I am pregnant or am I just looking for something?  What was that little twinge?  Was it bad or good?  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Rolling Along

Last Saturday night Jerry and my family threw me a birthday party.  It was so much fun.  We had it at my brothers bar.  They have a nice patio out back and they reserved that for the party.  All of my family had on shirts with pictures of me over the years.  Some pics were better than others (awkward phase from age 8 to 18).  It was very creative and awesome.  I love my family! 

A few of our friends also surprised me...with a wheelchair!  To give you some back story...I have issues with my feet and legs.  It is a condition that is hereditary and me and one of my sisters have it.  It is nothing life threatening and I could go on and on about it, but that could be a whole separate post.  Long story short...I am not the best on my feet.  There has been a running joke for years that by the time I am 30 I will be in a wheelchair.  Well it came true!  It was a shiny red motorized wheelchair even decorated with streamers and balloons.  I got to say..I LOVED it!!

I motored around the party the rest of the evening.  At one point there were other people not from our party that came outside.  My friends were cracking up at their faces when I would get up from the chair.  They must have really thought I was wheelchair dependant and they had just witnessed a miracle.  The whole night was perfect.  Just hanging out and laughing with the people I love most!

Speaking of Rolling Along...  our transfer is this week.  Sorry, I am not going to tell the date.  Whether this cycle is good or bad I want the time for Jerry and I to accept/mourn/celebrate before having to announce to anyone.  To answer a couple of your questions though we are transferring two.  They are our only two that are good PGD embryos. 

I have been praying for these two embabies since April.  Every day I pray for their strength through this process.  I pray that God will give Jerry and I the opportunity to hold them in our arms.  I pray to our 5 angel babies that they will watch over their two siblings.  So the thought of one or even both of them not surviving, has struck me with terrible sadness.  I know that if I am pregnant with just one that I will be thrilled and feel blessed for the life inside me.  However, there will be a sadness for the other baby.  It will feel like I lost another.  I ask all of you for your prayers.  Please pray for our two precious babies.   

A Perfect Day

My birthday was awesome!!!  While at the pool my sisters took the kiddos to the bathroom.  When they came back out look what they were wearing......

My one sister worked very hard on the shirts and is super creative.  It was very very sweet!

My other sister gave me one of the most beautiful gifts.  For so long I have been looking for some piece of jewelry to remember our 5 angel babies.  I did not want anything that was obvious as a memorial where people would ask.  Just something that I would know.  Here is a pic....

There are 5 leaves for each baby.  The bird is a symbol of love and strength.  I absolutely love it. 

My birthday ended with dinner out with my husband. It was the perfect day!

You say 30 like it is a bad thing

Goodbye 20's. We had some great times and some not so great times. I will cherish your years, but I got to be honest. It is time for me to move on. So long 20's and HELLO 30's!

All I got to say is BRING IT 30s! It may come off as conceited, but if I had the guts I would be wearing this today........

I am really feeling good and embracing my 30s. Still waiting for the day where I really feel like an adult though. Maybe it will happen at 40!

I took the day off because I think that nobody should ever work on their birthday even if they do nothing.  This morning Jerry got up to go to work. Gave me a kiss and left.  A few minutes later he came back and placed breakfast and a card on my nightstand.  I can't think of a better way to start my birthday...well maybe Jerry being able to get back in bed...but I can't have everything!  About an hour later my Mom and Dad called and played me THE Happy Birthday Record.  Yes that is right...record!  It is something my mother played for each one of my siblings and myself on our birthdays.  She continues to call us each year and play this record for every birthday.  To be honest I cannot believe it has made it this long.  It skipped a couple times, but it made a great remix!  I am a sucker for traditions so that really made my day. 

Texts have been rolling in all morning wishing me a happy birthday.  I feel so blessed that I have so many loving people in my life that think of me and help celebrate my life.  They mean way more to me than any present.  Speaking of loving people in just a few minutes most of my family will be rolling in.  My parents, sisters, one brother in law, and all the kiddos are coming over to go swimming with Aunt T!  I am a lucky lucky girl!

Sounds like a case of the Mundays

I got a total case of the Mundays (Office Space reference).  I am dragging so bad at work.  That must be the sign of a good weekend.  Which I did have!

Saturday I went with some friends on a Winery Trail in Hermann MO.  The Trail consisted of 7 different wineries, which we managed to hit them all.  There was food and wine tasting at each one.  It was beautiful and I LOVE wine! 

However, I was the DD.  I tasted at each winery, but with my FET approaching and with all my meds I am trying to stay away from alcohol.  I know this was a topic last week on the blogs.  To drink or not to drink while TTC.  What if you are in midst of treatment, but definitely not prego yet. 

No alcohol? 

Minimal alcohol? 

Heck, I am always in the middle of treatment so I am gonna booze it up until I get my BFP.

Though I tasted a few, I did not make any purchases at the winery.  Even though I could not completely partake in the festivities I still had a great time. 

Sunday, I went to the Sugarland Concert.  It was a blast.  Again, I was the DD.  It did not bother me one bit.  Especially having to work the next day I knew I would be no use even if I had one drink.  **I am the biggest lightweight.** 

We got home pretty late and then I could not sleep.  There is a lot on my mind these days.  I believe I got 2 and a half hours of sleep last night.  Hence the case of the Mundays!

I bet you say that to all the girls

Yesterday I went in for an ultrasound. They were just checking on my lining and to make sure I did not have any cysts. Everything went fine and all systems are still a go! I asked the doc a couple questions about the transfer and thawing. We talked a little bit about the PGD embryos and our other two embryos. If one or both of the PGD embryos do not survive the thaw we will use the other two. However, he feels very confident that they will. I asked about success rates for FET vs fresh cycle. He said when it comes down to it, it is all about the embryo quality. Before he walked out of the room he shook my hand, smiled, and with confidence said we are going to make a baby. I first smiled real big, but as he walked out of the room I wanted to ask if I could get that in writing! Ladies, has your doc said this to you? Do they say that to all the girls?

Last night I had my first Delestrogen shot. It was not bad ... once I figured out what I was doing. I could not figure out the conversion of my dose to the syringe. After calling my buddy at Dreams of a Baby and enlisting my hubby, we all figured it out.

I am starting to get pretty excited. Things are a happening!

Girl's Weekend

The day after we returned from Mexico I was leaving to go on my annual Girl's weekend. Every summer, around 10 of us girls get together at the Lake of the Ozarks for a weekend. This was our 10th annual trip. I would love to tell you that I had just as much fun over the weekend as I did in Mexico. Unfortunately, that is not the case.

I first want to say that I love all these women dearly. They are all amazing women. We have been friends for so long and have been through so much together. Every year I look forward to our weekend. This year was the exception. This year was the first year out of 11 women where I was the only one without child. Nine of them have 1 or 2 children. The other one is due in August. I want to tell you that this does not matter. I want to tell you that nothing has changed. I want to tell you I had just as much fun as I do every year. However, what I am about to say would probably crush any one of those women...

I wanted to leave the moment I got there. The entire weekend surrounded around baby talk. At one point I walked into the kitchen and the topic was breastfeeding (there were several pumps around the condo). I ducked out and went out on the deck. The topic was potty-training. Stuck around for a couple minutes so it was not obvious and walked back in. I grabbed my phone and started texting my husband. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I just wanted to be normal.

In no way am I hurt by these women. Most of them do not even know anything about what I have been through. Even if they did, I don't want them to have the change when they are around me. Being a mother is the or one of the most important things in their life. They should be able to discuss, brag, glow, etc. BUT I FEEL SO SHOULD I! Instead I feel this giant hole inside. This empty shell of a person that once was.

I know I am being super dramatic right now, but it is seriously how I feel inside. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer today especially after my last cheerful post. However, I guess this is my life. One day good...one day, not so good.

Viva la Mexico!

Thank you everyone for your sweet comments and all of the prayers. I certainly believe in the power of prayer. For this, I am forever grateful to have such a beautiful support group!! Today I am feeling better and trying to focus on the good things in life.

Speaking of, I am going to change focus now and talk about our fantastically fun vacation! We spent 6 nights in Riviera Mya with another couple that we simply adore. It was absolutely awesome. I cannot remember the last time we had so much fun.

I created a scavenger hunt for the two lay-overs we had. Included in this airport scavenger hunt was fanny-pack, mullet, dog, shoe shiner, ATM, and child on a leash (classic). The object of the game was to get one of us in a picture with the object. We had to be pretty sneaky on some of them!! It sure did help pass the time.

The resort was gorgeous. Food, was ok. It was not bad, it was just different.

Weather was mostly perfect. The last day however was like a monsoon. Somehow we still manged to have a blast. We had our own little private party down at the beach with only about 15 other people. The bartenders even had a great time. Typically they are running around crazy tending to hundreds of people. Not that day. They were laughing, dancing, and even taking pictures with us. I love how we made such a gloomy day into the best day of our trip!

Oh and Jerry and I won a dance competition one night. This is hysterical to us because anyone that knows us, knows I have no rhythm or coordination. I think they may have felt sorry for us. :O) We got up in front of about 300 guests and danced to all different genres. There was a tie breaker at the end. They played The Time of My Life from the movie Dirty Dancing. I guess I had enough drinks in me, because I slowly started backing up. Before I knew it, I was clear across the stage from Jerry. The other couple stopped dancing. The announcer stopped talking. I heard some gasps from the audience that knew exactly what I was about to attempt. There was no turning back at that point. I looked at Jerry. He had a huge smile on his face. I ran and shockingly enough did not fall on my face. Jerry lifted me in the air and we nailed it! Ok, it was no Patrick Swayze and Baby, but I was in the air and the audience cheered! Final vote and we won over the crowd!

Jerry and I really stepped out of our comfort zones on this trip. I cannot tell you how much we needed this vacation. To be able to get away from all the craziness and heartache, even for just a minute. It was perfect. I love my husband dearly. I wish we could have more moments like we did in Mexico. Just pure bliss...and that it was.

Here are some pics....

A walk to the beach before dinner

The boys trying out for Baywatch in the lifeguard tower. Something tells me by the beer in their hands that they did not make the cut.

I absolutely love this girl

We renewed vows...on our own..no priest or guests...well except our friends that zoomed in super far to catch this shot.

Our forever friends. This trip would not have been the same without them.

Life Cut Short

Oh where to begin?! We are back from Mexico and I had my girl's weekend at the Lake. Both were great and I promise to give more details and pics.

Right now, I want to just talk about how I am feeling at this moment. Last night as I laid in bed I cried. Not just sniffle sniffle or simple tear run down cheek. I was sobbing. Apparently loud enough to wake up my husband. It was a cry I could not control. Why, you ask?

Yesterday I attended the wake of my cousins baby girl. Only 9 years old, her life ended so suddenly. I am not close with my cousin, but to see him so broken and the whole family...it was gut wrenching. I walked around and looked at beautiful pictures from her 9 years of life. Every picture was completely lit up by her smile. There were cards that she had written to her family. So very sweet beyond her years. The one that hit me the hardest was to her father. It thanked him for working two jobs just so they could have the things they need.

I then made my way up to the front. I dreaded this moment, but knew I had to. I hugged her family including my cousin. Like I said, we are not close but I hugged him with all the strength that I had. I wanted so desperately to take away the pain he was feeling. Everything inside of me was screaming how unfair this was. Then I was there. Standing at her casket, which was open. This little girl laying in front of me never had a full chance at life. It was cut way to short. I stood in front of her and I prayed.

So as I lay in bed last night all of this was filling my thoughts and breaking my heart. I could not help but to start thinking about the 5 babies we have lost. I am not comparing the losses to my cousins at all. It just made me think of life that was never fully lived. There was life, but it was cut short.

I started thinking about whether our 5 babies were boys or girls? What would it have felt like to hold them? Who would they have looked like? What kind of person would they have become? Do they know how much we loved them and continue to think about them?

I desperately want to be a mother. However, it is not at any cost. I do not want to continue to create life only for the life to be cut short.

So with this, I have a heavy heart today as I start my FET cycle.

Please pray for our two babies that will be transferred soon.
Please pray for my cousin and his whole family as they mourn the loss of such a beautiful soul.
Please pray for the soul of that beautiful girl. That she is now with God and feels nothing but his love.

To You, O Lord, we humbly entrust this child, so precious in Your sight. Take them into Your arms and welcome them into paradise, where there will be no sorrow, no weeping nor pain, but the fullness of peace and joy with Your Son and the Holy Spirit forever and ever. Amen.

Staying Busy

I will not even apologize for being absent once again because it seems like that is how I always start them. I am still reading and keeping up on all of your blogs the best I can. Have not posted much lately because I have been pretty busy which is a good thing. Staying busy always keeps my mind off of things.

We are getting ready for our va-ca and I gotta tell you, it cannot come soon enough. When we get back I leave the following day for my annual girl's weekend at the Lake then start my meds. I am so excited to see my girlfriends that I just don't see enough these days. The only thing that has kinda bummed me out about the trip is that this will be the first year that I am the only one without child (at home or in belly). I guess I could bring pics of my embryos. However, I do not think I will get the ooohs and aaahs like the other baby pics :O)

Last Friday, Jerry and I finally met our new FET Coordinator in person. I L-O-V-E her! I really did like the last one for our retrieval, but there is something about this one. Not only did she answer all of our questions, but she made us feel so comfortable and prepared. She really seemed emotionally there for us, too. I think we all can agree that can be hard to find. At one point we were not even talking about anything personally in our case, but her eyes started to get watery. I figured it was something in her eye or allergies. She finally apologized for getting emotional. She said that she just really enjoyed working with us and wanted us to be able to have a family.

Needless to say my waterworks were not far off at this point. You always hear about and feel personally that these nurses get de-synthesized. I suppose you somewhat need to. Not this one, or at least not in that moment. There was something very special about this nurse. I am thankful to God for bringing her into our lives and giving us one more cheerleader down here.

So we are all set ladies. FET is scheduled, I have my calendar, and meds are being ordered. I am hopeful, terrified, excited, and nauseous. Just another day in an IF's world!

Still here!

I feel like I just said I was sorry for being MIA. I have been terrible about posting regularly. I have been busy, but that is good because that keeps my mind off of things. However, I am still keeping up on your blogs, or trying my best to.

What you have missed in my life...

I became a very proud and blessed aunt to this beautiful being

Then there is this little one...

I spent several days with her BIG SISTER while her Mother (my sis), Father, and baby sis were in the hospital. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE being Aunt T. My nieces and nephew warm my heart and give me such joy. We had such a great time and it really did break my heart a bit to take her back home. When those little hands wrap around your arm or neck...the world is perfect.

What is going on in my IF world?

Last week went for my ultrasound and I know you all will be shocked....2nd FET cancelled. No dominant follicle. I was already prepared. I started spotting the day before. So next step...MEDICATED FET! We cannot take it anymore. The retrieval was in the beginning of April! I tried to be patient, but this could go on for months.

I start my meds in the mid of July. Transfer will be beginning of August. Finally! So what better time to go on a va-ca! No we do not have the money to do this and it is extremely irresponsible and last minute. Don't care! WE need this. So MEXICO here we come!!!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow we will welcome a new baby.
Tomorrow will be an amazing day.
Tomorrow a miracle will happen.
Tomorrow the world will smile.
Tomorrow I get to be an Aunt again.
*enormous smile*

Infertility Queen

Sorry so long since my last post. We had a mini-vacation and then been busy at work. I want to share what I got in the mail today. Some of you may have visited this site Fertility Socks. I found it through another blog and thought it was such a unique and thoughtful idea. I will definitely be participating and sending a pair of socks. Here is the pair that I received and hopefully some day soon get to wear at my FET...

Not sure if the crowns mean I am the Queen of Infertility. Sadly that is not something I want to be the Queen of. Queen of my house, Queen of bargain shopping....but infertility...you can take that crown back! :O) Regardless I am thrilled to get my "lucky" socks and very thankful for Emily and all the kind people that have donated.

I also wanted to talk about someone that I recently met. A fellow co-worker that I never met until a couple weeks ago announced that she was leaving at the end of the month. We will call her D. She casually in front of several people said that she and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for awhile and if she was going to spend $20,000 to have a child she did not want to be stressed out with work too. Whoa, I could not believe she just said that to all those people that she did not really know! I envied her that she could be that open. We have all talked about the stigma on infertility and how hard it can be opening up about it. I am already a private person and do not like people knowing my business. Add a topic that can be so controversial...I shut down and become a mute! There is only one person at my work that knows anything related to my infertility. So can you believe I asked her (privately of course) about her situation?? And discussed mine?!

There have been so many times in this journey that I have felt alone. This blog and the support I get from all of you has done wonders for me! I wanted to see where she was and if in fact she may feel alone as well. So I am giving her the location of my blog and I would like you all to welcome her. I am not sure if she wants to start her own or just check out each of our stories. Either way, D, I know we really do not know each other but I enjoyed talking to you today. If there is anything I can ever do...well you know where I sit and now you have my blog to contact me in the future.

IUI vs IVF

So I have a feeling this post may be somewhat controversial. However, if it helps at least one woman out there battling with choices in IF, treatments, procedures...then I think it is worth it. Do any of you read a blog and want to say something, but do not feel like it is your place? So many times I have read a post and it ends with "What do you think?" or "What should I do?" I have always avoided these questions because I am certainly not a dr. I understand that every couple and every case is different. But is there anything out there that is said where you just want to scream "Don't do it!" or "Stop!"

Well I do. It is always with IUI vs. IVF. I understand that IUI is less invasive, less time consuming, and certainly less expensive. I think that IUI is definitely one of the the first routes to go (unless there are issues such as blocked tubes), but when is enough...enough? How many cycles is enough?

I have had several IUI cycles. I have been pregnant 5 times (4 from IUI, 1 naturally)...still no baby in our arms. I wish someone would have told me Stop after the 3rd....5th....8th...

So ....what do you guys think? How many IUI's is enough before you move on to IVF, adopt, or throw in the towel? If you or someone you know was successful with IUI, how many IUI cycles did it take them before being successful? I do not mind being proven wrong. I actually would love to hear that someone after several IUI's was finally successful and has a healthy happy baby. I would love to hear that I was not crazy for trying so many times. But if I am not...then I want to help someone else out there that is in the IUI phase of IF.

I have almost deleted this post several times because I really do not want to offend anyone. THIS IS NOT MY INTENT and I am very sorry if I have.

As I wait...

I wanted to finish a story that I started over a month ago. It was the post celebrating our 5 year anniversary. This post included how we got engaged. I started this story to show what I got my husband for our anniversary, but never got around to it.

Before I tell (or show) I want to explain a couple things. I do not consider ourselves poor. I feel like we have what we need and some extra fun things. However, over the years a lot of our income has been spent on our future children. This being said our gifts to each other have become gifts that take time and thought and not necessarily money. All in all I am actually grateful for this. The jewelry, I-pods, clothes, gift certificates, etc. are all very nice, but I have come to really appreciate and cherish those gifts that include the heart. This is probably not something I would have agreed with in my younger days.

The other thing I wanted to explain was how we always try to get each other anniversary gifts that correspond with the "recommended gift." For example, Year 1 is Paper, Year 2 is Cotton...you get the gist. Who came up with this list? Probably Hallmark, but it is fun to try to come up with something and get creative.

So about a month before our anniversary I was trying to come up with what I can get Jerry. The 5 year anniversary gift is Wood. What the heck is made of wood, that does not cost a lot, and still a good gift? I mentioned in my engagement story "our tree." This is where Jerry proposed to me. After we were married we would go out there a few times a year for a picnic or just take a walk.

Not too long ago we went for a walk and to my dismay...our tree was no longer. Our tree was now a stump. All the other trees were still standing, blooming, and I think even laughing at our poor little stump :O( I looked at Jerry and said, "I do not think that is a good sign."

As I was brainstorming what to get Jerry I thought about our poor stump. I immediately thought...hey maybe I could chop down the stump and make him something out of it. That way our tree would be with us forever! It was like a Tuesday day when I came up with this epiphany and I dragged my friend at lunch down to the park (no I did not have a chainsaw handy, I just wanted to check it out). As we walked up to the spot where our beautiful tree once stood, my heart sunk once again. The stump was gone. I sputtered something under my breath like "Lord, can I please have a good sign for once." About that time is when my friend kicked something in the ground. One lonely chunk of wood stuck out of the ground. It was not much, but it was the only thing left of our tree...and it was mine.

So after some further thought, some assistance from a handy friend of ours...I present to you Jerry's 5 year anniversary gift...

I know it may not look like much. However, down the road when our children *sigh* ask us about how we met, how we knew they were the one, how we got engaged, etc. we will have a little piece (the last piece) of that beautiful tree and that perfect memory.

No Go

So I went to my ultrasound yesterday and unfortunately my suspicions were correct...no Transfer in May. So we will see for June. We are going to try again naturally. Doc said if we become frustrated we can do a medicated cycle to ensure I ovualte. Don't you love how he said IF we become frustrated? Frustrated was three years ago dude!

Every day is a gift...

So why do I want to fast forward? Why do I want to go home and crawl back to bed? Today is not a good day as you can all guess. I really did ok yesterday until last night. Laying in bed with my DH and here come the waterfalls. It was a really nice day. I had a great time celebrating my mother, my mother in law, and my sisters as mothers. It is just at the end of the night I am still with empty arms.
I am told again...next year...it has been 4 years that I have been told...next year. When will I just give up? When will I stop torturing myself? When will this pain go away?

I started spotting this weekend. Today is Day 17. Not time to spot! I went in on Friday (the apt where my dr said we WOULD know for sure whether we would be doing the FET in May. Shocking news....no answer on Friday. Follicles only around 12. Doc wants me to come in tomorrow for yet another $45 ultrasound. So now with me spotting over the weekend I am sure we are out for May. I have no idea what it means....but let's get real...it never works out.

So Debbie Downer is going to sign off for now....sorry....hope you all are having a better Monday than I am!

Happy Mother's Day

Whether your babies are in your arms, in your belly, waiting to be adopted, in a petri dish, in heaven, or just in your hearts....I am wishing you a Happy Mothers Day. I know that this day is pretty hard for most of us. I am praying for all of you tonight. Every single one of you. We have never met, but I feel we have a bond that cannot ever be removed.

Love you all

Just catching up...

Sorry I have been M.I.A. I am trying to catch up on every ones blogs. Sorry for my absence! There has not been a day that has gone by that I do not think of all of you!

This morning I had an ultrasound to see if I have a dominant follicle. I had a couple in the 8 range. One needs to be around 18. Today is day 11 so he wants me to come in Friday again for another ultrasound. I am certainly hoping we can do a natural FET, but if it does not work out then we will just wait until June.

I am used to things not going good (with IF) so I am not holding my breath. I am staying positive, but just not getting my hopes up. The end result is what we are looking forward to. It is not a race...well obviously...4 and a half years later. :0)

Quick question for anyone that has done an FET. How long before the transfer did you cut out caffeine and alcohol? Last cycle I cut them completely out as soon as I started stims. Just wondering what all you ladies recommend?

In other news, I had a pretty rough day a couple days ago. Uncontrollable crying, feeling sorry for myself, then feeling selfish...not the best day. Later that evening Jerry walks in with a card and candy....

My husband may not be State Spelling Bee Champion, but he makes me smile every day! I could never make it through this journey without him. I love you just does not say enough. You are my rock, my hero, and often times the only thing that gets me out of bed. My life would be devastatingly empty without you.

FET and Ultrasound

So last Friday I met with Dr. P.A. It went MUCH better than I expected! He said we could actually do our FET in May! Wooohoo! He also said that we could do a natural cycle (less meds). He said that there is no big difference as far as end results either way. He will only do a natural cycle if you have regular cycles and ovulate on your own. My cycles are pretty regular (31-34 day). I will go in on May 4th to do an ultrasound. If I have a dominant follicle (sign I will ovulate on my own) then we will transfer in May. If not, then we will do medication and transfer in June. But he felt confident with my regular cycles that I would have no problem ovulating.

He really made me feel better about my PGD results as well. I felt like I was a walking freak with all of our abnormalities. He reassured me and said that he has seen much worse and that many embryos come back abnormal. Most people just do not know because they do not make viable pregnancies and the sperm are more likely to go for the “good ones” naturally. He also said he would not have ANY hesitation in transferring the other two that came back with no results some day. Most times the abnormalities will always show up. The “no-reads” mean that more likely they cannot confirm, but no abnormalities appeared. He said that it is more likely to just not be a viable pregnancy if anything and not that we would have a child with abnormalities. That made me feel much better. Here I thought we would have to make the decision what to do with these embryos since they were most likely abnormal (so I thought). I am not morally comfortable with that at all. I want to give all of our babies a chance at life, but want them to have a good quality of life, too.

Moving On

I know I have been gone a few days. I did not feel much like talking. I have been reading your blogs and trying to stay caught up. You ladies truly have no idea how much you mean to me! All of your comments have given me the strength and motivation to pick myself back up. For that, I am forever thankful for each and every one of you!

Right now I am just waiting to start. So AF feel free to visit anytime!! I am physically feeling 100% better. Mentally...let's just say better than I was last week this time. I have an appointment with my Dr on Friday to discuss our next steps and when I can finally do the transfer.

The embryologist did email me the complete results from my PGD testing on Monday. I still cannot believe how many abnormalities there were with so many of my embryos. Like I did not feel like a big enough freak already! Thanks for the confirmation in writing!!

Where it all went wrong...

I am not even sure where to begin. Most of you probably think I am recovering from my transfer. I wish I could say that. I am recovering..but not from my transfer.

I guess it started Tuesday morning. I woke up and did not feel well at all. I got in the shower and just a couple minutes into it, it took everything for me to be able to rinse the soap out of my hair, get out of the shower, and lay on the cold floor. After a few minutes, I gathered myself together and did my best to get ready for work. I went to work, but only made it half day. I came straight home and slept the rest of the day. Now, somewhere in the mix of this day we were told that the results from the PGD will not be back until Wednesday evening...our transfer was supposed to be Wednesday afternoon. This is a moot point now, but I will explain more on that later.

Wednesday morning I woke up and felt worse. I was so nauseated, my belly was extended, I could not keep any food down, and I had NO energy. I called the Dr office and they wanted me to go get blood work and then come in for an ultrasound. Jerry was able to get off work (he was off for the transfer but then ended up working since it was now going to be Thursday) came home and picked me up. We got to the Dr and not only did I feel like hell I know I looked it. I could only get sweat pants on, did not do one thing to my hair, and makeup...not even a lick of it. Jerry said another patient in the waiting room looked terrified when she saw me. I do not remember much of it, except for a nurse coming over with a wheelchair and just said, I am not going to ask how you are. She wheeled me back to an exam room. I saw a few nurses and Dr. P.A. He grabbed my knee and that is when the waterworks started flowing. I knew it...my transfer was going to be cancelled.

I was not in the room but a couple minutes before Dr. P.A. came in. He first started talking about the issue with getting the results back from the PGD lab. He did not want to do a 6 day transfer that he would rather come back in tonight and do it. I was amazed that he (and his staff) would actually come back in around 9 tonight to do my transfer. He said that he wanted to do what was best and he felt for me, a day 5 transfer would be best. Now, after that being said he wanted to do an ultrasound to see if I had a lot of fluid. I had fluid, but not to the point where he felt it was medically necessary to stop the transfer. So now it was up to Jerry and I to make the call. I already felt terrible and could barely function, let alone make this big decision. I just could not imagine transfering our babies when already feeling this terrible. It COULD NOT be a good environment to start out in. If we did not do the transfer, that would mean they would freeze all our embabies and I would have to wait another cycle for transfer. The Dr walked out after saying that the nurse was going to give me an IV with fluids and some anti-nausea meds.

I laid there and cried. I could not believe this was happening! WHY?! I cannot make this decision. The nurse came in and hooked up my IV. Minutes later the Dr came back in and said he got my blood-work back. It was highly elevated and now he felt it was medically necessary to cancel our transfer. I was actually relieved that someone else made the decision for us. Still dissapointed beyond words, but for one second relieved. I was at the Dr for 3 hours getting fluids and the Dr and nurses came in several times to check on me. We briefly talked about still being in contact about my results from the PGD and how and when we would go about our future transfer. They wheeled me back out and home we went...with no transfer...no babies in my belly...not how I was supposed to leave the office on Wednesday.

Thursday was still pretty rough. The nausea was a little better since they had given me some meds to take every 3 hours. Still bloated and uncomfortable, but hoping I have been through the worst part of it. I went and got blood-work again. They later called, and yes my levels were starting to descend. This means I did not have to go to the hospital and "get drained."

I knew my results from the PGD would be in, but I just could not get the courage to call. I could not take anymore bad news. I wanted to believe for just a little while longer that all 22 babies were all still healthy and growing. Finally, in the afternoon I emailed the director of the lab Dr H. Within minutes he called me.

Now, I know this news can be worse. However, I was shocked and devastated. Out of 31 follicles retrieved, 25 embryos matured, 22 made it to blastocyst stage....only 2 came back "normal" from the PGD testing. The results showed that the remaining embryos have severe abnormalities. There are two others that they still have frozen because they did not get any results back on them. Dr H is getting in contact with the lab to find out about them.

I do not have all the details yet and am already coming up with a list of questions. What we did get today, is maybe some light on why we had so many failed pregnancies. Had we ever had a viable pregnancy and carried the baby to term, who knows what kind of quality of life would they have had. For that, I am thankful that we did go with the PGD testing.

So now I wait, and recover. I am finally just feeling well enough to eat a decent meal and even sit at the computer. This over stimming really took a toll on my body. I had taken a picture of my belly before everything started more for myself. Just to see where I started before getting my baby bump. *sigh* The second pic as you can see below I now have a bump...just no baby.

Here is my belly before any stims

Here is my belly yesterday from the over stimming...jeans are not even an option.

This last pic is a beautiful flower arrangement that I received from Jessica. I cannot thank you enough for your sweet gesture. It really put a smile on my face, when I was at my darkest moment yesterday. I am forever thankful for your kindness and support. I will contine to pray for you and your journey. And I will be there every step of the way with you, too!