Was that my spleen?!

I would love to say that last nights stim injection went smoothly...unfortunately that is not the case. The night before I was due for my first stil injection I went through the whole process and wrote down any question I might have. Yesterday morning I emailed my coordinator the questions and she promptly responded. One of the questions I had was what gague needle should I use when injecting myself. I had several in my bag and did not write that down during the demo.

Side note** I am on Bravelle which means I have to mix and draw my meds from multiple vials and then change the needle. Follistim and Gonal-F come in cartridges where you just insert into the pen, attach needle, dial your dose and inject. I have been on Follistim and it is super easy. Bravelle not as easy, but since half of it was free...I was not complaining!

Ok, back to the story. The answer from my coordinator was a 27 gague needle. So last night I had everything laid out, alcohol swabbed everything including the dog, and ready to start drawing out the meds. It was kind of a pain getting the med from each vial, but I mustered through it. Time to attach injection needle. I got a 21 gague....22 gague....25 gague.....27?....27?....nope! Awesome!

Emptied all my bags of needles...no 27. My DH tells me to call the exchange. Now I have had injected my abdomen with several meds, including Follistim, Lovenox, and Lupron over the years. I am pretty immune to needles and administering them myself, at this point. However, NONE of these needles I have used in my abdomen were as long as the 21, 22, and 25. All three of them are 1 and a 1/2 inches long.

I dismiss my husbands suggestion and screw on the 25. I have to get my meds tonight and this is what I got to work with...so here goes nothing! The instructions say to insert the needle all the way in. I pierce the skin with the needle and typically it goes all the way and I inject. This time I look down and half of the needle is still sticking out of my skin. Anyone feel sick, yet? Cause I do, thinking about it again!

I took a deep breath and pushed it the rest of the way in. Shooting pain! I have hit something! I immediately pulled it out a bit, but not all the way because I did not want to pierce the skin again. There was about a half inch of the needle showing and I just decide to inject. When it was all in, I pulled it out, dropped it all in the sink and immediately felt lightheaded. I laid on the floor and was trying to take deep breaths. I was not in any pain at this point. Mostly just freaked out that I totally hit SOMETHING!

I was fine after about 5 minutes. Got up, cleaned everything up, and went to bed. Needless to say I contacted my coordinator this morning. She was not concerned that I had done any damage or that I should not have used those needles. However, she did say I should have been given 27 gague needles which are only a 1/2 inch long. So yeah...I went in a whole inch further than I needed to. I stopped by the office today and picked up several 27 gague needles.

Not completely accurate, but the needle I used was about as long as the ones on the left. The one I should and WILL be using is the one on the right.

Please pray that tonight goes better than last!

Queue Waterfalls

So in the last 4 days I have cried about 12 times. I cannot stop! Not much does it take to trigger me. In the last 3 months I cannot really remembering crying at all. Since we have known that we were going to be doing IVF in April I have had a positive outlook and a new sense of hope.
We did receive some sad news within our family and I guess that has triggered some of it. But I just cannot believe how emotional I have become! A conversation about someones pregnancy...tears. A commercial about Easter candy that had a family on it...tears. A jumbo Styrofoam caffeine fountain soda...tears...ok, maybe a little extreme there :O)
The worst part about it...I am not even starting my stims until tonight! I guess it is the Lupron. Anyone else just start crying at the drop of a hat on Lupron? If you ask me right now, am I sad or depressed...I would say no. Sad about our family issue, but we have had other issues (not related to IF) that has not made me cry before. I am not short tempered or angry...at least not anymore than I was already! Just tears...and they are forever flowing!

So tonight I start my Bravelle. I am taking 4 vials. God help my DH if these tears continue to fall!!!

Things are in Motion!

This morning I stopped and deposited a little blood on my way to work. Then for lunch I went by my lovely doctors office. Where I sat back and put my knee-high argyle socked feet up into those Gonal-F advertisement covered stirrups. All in a days work! :O)

Dr. P.A. reports:
* I have no cysts, yeah!
* E2 level is less than 7. This is good.
* Lining is thin, which is good since AF did show up yesterday.
* As far as follies...I have approximately 50!

My IVF cycle is underway and everything looks great so far! Dr. P.A. adjusted my stim meds a little since I have so many follies. We do not want to over-stimulate!

Tomorrow I have another Acupuncture appointment. Then I have an appointment for a massage where I will hopefully pass out and melt into the nice warm bed! Tomorrow night, sushi with friends. Saturday night, birthday party. Next week, start stimming!!

Today was a good day!

Acupuncture Photo Shoot

Thank you everyone for the advice! It was interesting to hear how everyone has handled the communication differently. At this time, I think we are going to continue to keep it on the down low. Who knows as we get closer, but I will let you know if we end up spilling the beans!

So yesterday was my first acupuncture appointment. I have heard of many women that have had success with IVF/acupuncture. Let's be honest, at this point I will try anything! Seriously, if one of you ladies told me that during egg retrieval you found that eating an orange peel while humming the theme song from Facts of Life improved your cycle...I would be buying a bushel of oranges and signing up for the Facts of Life Fan Club as we speak! **Please do not inform me of any such absurdities...my husband may leave me at that point** :O)

As I was saying...Acupuncture. The appointment went very well. I would HIGHLY recommend Wellbody to anyone considering acupuncture in the area. I had a consultation with Greg and he was SUPER nice. He asked me many questions about my history with infertility. When I told him about our 5 failed pregnancies he was genuinely saddend by our loss. Him and his wife have experienced two. They have also experienced success with pregnancy and acupuncture (two beautiful healthy little girls).

Greg explained the purpose behind acupuncture and its benefits with IF. I then got on the table (which was nice and heated). I grabbed my phone because I really wanted to take a quick picture for my blog to document and so you can all see that have not been through it. Greg noticed the phone and I said I promise I will turn it right off. I just wanted to take a quick picture. He then OFFERED to take some pics! HAHA, he must think I am crazy. I asked if he got the request often. He pasued, smiled...and said no not too often! The pics are not fantastic...but I did not pay extra for the photography package! :O)

It is hard to see the needles in this picture they are on my feet, legs,

hands, wrists, neck, and head

This one is pretty bright, but you can see the needles better

It did not hurt one bit as he put the needles in. At times, I could barely even tell he did anything. I then just laid there for 30 minutes. He came back in after 10 minutes to check on me. I could have very well slept during the whole thing. After 30 minutes, the needles were out and I was on my way. I cannot say that I feel any different. Not that I was expecting to. Just one of many things I would do to hopefully make this the best cycle possible!!

Hope you all have a great weekend!!

To Speak or not to Speak...that is the question

I have a question out there for all you that have or has gone through IVF/IUI. Do you tell your friends and family? Why am I asking this?

Well, as anyone that has followed my blog you know I have been through several IUI's and other infertility related procedures. I am a fairly private person and do not tell a lot of people much about my IF journey(ONE of the many reasons I love all of you and my blog). In the past I have told my mother, sisters, and 2 close friends any details. However, as I get started with my first IVF cycle I have told....wait for it....nobody. Just Jerry...and let's face it..he kinda needs to be left in the loop.

Our intentions of not telling anyone stems from our past experiences. The disappointment and heartache we felt from each failed IUI or miscarriage was only deepened by the pain our friends and family experienced with it, too. I just cannot bear to tell them all and for them to get their hopes up and once again be crushed if this is not successful.

I also know they will have 500 questions (as i would expect) and I am trying so hard to not over think everything and be as relaxed and calm as possible. If they did not ask about every appointment, test result, and procedure I would be hurt.

I just cannot bear to tell them and to see that hope and anticipation on their faces....to be shortly replaced by pain, hurt, anger, and pity. I am not anticipating that this will be a failed cycle by any means! However, I have been down this road and I know the possibilities.

So what DO they know? My family knows that we have seen an RE about IVF. We have told them that at this point we are just saving money to do so. Which was true at first, but now we have saved enough and as many of you know we are going through with it in April. If anyone asks what is going on right now...we give them the same response...saving money.

I just have to say....THIS IS KILLING ME! I just had lunch with my sister yesterday and it took everything inside of me to NOT say anything. Am I crazy? Should I tell them? Do you think they will be upset we did not tell them?

How amazing though (from out of nowhere when they least expect it) would it be to just fast forward to a couple months from now and just simply be able to tell our families those two beautiful words...I cannot type them...but you know what they are.

PGD and other updates

Monday I received a call from the financial director and I am happy to say she was nothing but pleasant on the phone. We talked again on Wednesday and again very nice. I am going to go ahead and chalk Friday up to just a bad day. We have all had them and I am sure she was just super busy and had a lot on her mind....so she is forgiven :O)

Last Friday at my appointment we spoke to an embryologist (we will call her J) about the different PGD testings. She said most couples using PGD do either the 9 or 12 chromosome testing. Most abnormalities are found in the 9 that are tested, but for the 12 chromosome testing it is only a slight increase in cost....so many go with the 12 chromosome testing.

The financial director gave me two different labs that we could use for PGD testing. I was told that I could call to get the pricing difference. Since I am a SUPER bargain shopper I was all over finding who had the "best deal." I called the first lab and they have PGD testing for the 9 and 12 chromosomes with about a $500 difference in the two. I called the second lab and they said that they have a 10 chromosome test and a 23 chromosome test. Hmmmm...that is completely different than what I was told from J and the last lab. Here is the kicker....the 23 chromosome test is cheaper than the 12 chromosome test. WHY would I not want them to test all the chromosomes and save money?!

I emailed J on Tuesday and informed her of the differences I found in the two labs. She just called me back and said the first lab they have used for years. This will be the first cycle using the other lab, but she feels just as confident in their lab and results. She then said that the way PGD is used they cannot test all 23 chromosomes and that it sounded like Array CGH. PGD and Array CGH are both tests that study the chromosomes, but a different way of testing. She said she is going to call the second lab and get more info and also discuss with Dr. P.A. Then she will come back with more info to help us make a better decision. J is super sweet and I appreciate her being so helpful.

As far as meds I am currently taking bcp, prenatals, fertility supplements, baby aspirin, and prednisone. I was told that the prednisone could cause insomnia and increased appetite. I already have trouble sleeping so I was wondering how this would affect me. I have been on the prednisone for only 5 days, but no difference in my sleeping... sweet! Appetite...I love food so if you want to tell me my appetite has increased....I will take any excuse to eat more :O) The only thing that I have been noticing in the last 2 weeks is my boobs hurt...yeah maybe TMI. It started before the prednisone...so that cannot be it. I have been on prenatals and baby aspirin for years and the only time my boobs would hurt is when I was pregnant....and we know that is not it. BCP...it has been forever since I have taken them, but I think I would remember if my boobs always hurt back then. So I am guessing it is the supplements. Anyone else been on them and have this...tenderness...?

Thank you everyone for all the love and encouragement! I cannot tell you enough how much it means to have each of you cheering me along on this journey!!!

It is official...

We are signed up for the April IVF cycle!!!! Wow! We have been planning and saving for this for months. It does not seem real that we are finally here and "official." This past Friday, we went to meet with our coordinator...LOVE her! We will call her C. C had already been helping me that week over the phone and email with the meds we would need. I called around to multiple pharmacies to get the best deals on each med. C even provided us with donated meds from previous patients, as well as meds from a vendor...cannot say enough how much we LOVE C!

I had also called the financial director of the office previously that week to also set up an appointment to discuss those details. She said, no problem just tell C when you are done that you need to meet with me. Perfect!

So we get to the appointment and C came to get us right away. She gave us this lovely calendar below:

We went over everything...when to start what med, how much to take, how to administer, and when our next appointments would be. C said she wanted me to take the Dexamethasone this Sunday (today). Then after hearing that I have been on Intra Lipids and IVIg in the past she went to talk to Dr. P.A. They felt I needed a stronger steroid. So I started Prednisone today and will be on that in place of the Dexamethasone.

C wanted someone else to come in and talk to us. I have not discussed this previously in any posts, because I know this subject can be controversial. However, I decided that this is my blog and nobody HAS to read it. I want to be as honest as can be and to document this entire process for us. That being said, I am going to back up to a few months ago.

After our first consultation with Dr. P. A. and discussing our history, Dr. P.A. strongly suggested we look into using PGD. PGD is when one or two cells are removed from each embryo through a procedure called embryo biopsy. These cells are analyzed in the PGD Laboratory to determine which embryos are free of genetic abnormalities and more likely to achieve a healthy baby. This testing is somewhat controversial because it is used for other things, such as Gender selection. In NO WAY are we doing this for gender selection and they are not even going to be looking at that with the PGD "package" we selected. PGD is often beneficial in couples with infertility related to recurrent miscarriage or unsuccessful IVF cycles and couples who are at risk for passing on inherited genetic disease to their offspring. Since we have miscarried 5 times, Dr. P.A. feels this testing can help us achieve a healthy baby and maybe give us more answers on our multiple miscarriages....and we do too. We did not take this decision lightly. This testing is an additional $4000+ procedure, on top of the IVF. However, we want to do everything we possibly can. C had an embryologist come in and really discuss PGD with us. She was awesome and really was able to put the details into terms my husband and I can understand.

So after we were done with the embryologist and C, I said that we are supposed to meet with the financial director. C brought us back up front so then we waited. The financial director came out just to the front desk and said you wanted to see me. I said yeah, I just wanted to talk to you about what we owe you. She said well you owe me for the anesthesia and our part of the PGD (PGD is partially paid between their office and the other to the lab it is sent off to). She then handed me two pieces of paper and said here are two labs that we use for PGD, and I can call them to see which is cheaper. I was really confused because a) I thought we were going to meet in her office and talk about everything we owe and when. b) I thought we owed them the whole down payment for the IVF procedure and not the PGD for another couple weeks. So I (looking around at people in the waiting room) said can we please meet in your office. She did not show any consideration that there were people standing around and just said no I have an appt. UMMMM....we HAD an appt! Not officially with her, but on the phone the other day she made it sound like I did not need one to meet with her. I was so upset I just said ok. She walked away and I could just feel the tears welling up in my eyes. The VERY sweet receptionist could see how disappointed I was and asked if I wanted to make another appt with her. I said that I guess...a couple tears fell. I gained my composure and just said that she had told me we could meet today and just very disappointed in how I was just treated. It may not seem like much to anyone else, but this is THOUSANDS of dollars we are spending. I thought we were going to get more answers and a better plan on when everything was due. So I made an appt, but now I think I am just going to email her my questions and cancel the appt. She made me so upset after such a great appt. I do not need any stress right now and will avoid meeting with her if I can.

Yeah...so everyone still there? I believe I just wrote a novel over one appointment! That is for all the days I have not posted :0)

To end on a good note...C met up with me this weekend to deliver me my meds that I had sent to the office, as well as the rest of the donated meds. They did not arrive until after my appt. and C offered to meet me (she lives in the same town as me). Did I say how much I LOVE her?!

Nella

So I came across this post...and had to share this story. If you have had enough tears for the day, do not read this post.

This may be one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. Here is the story of the day Nella was born.