The Most Beautiful Sound We Have Ever Heard

Saturday afternoon I spotted.  All of our past miscarriages came rushing back to me.  I was beyond devastated.  I called the exchange, knowing they could not do anything, but did not know where to turn.  The nurse said to take it easy, lay down, and drink some water.  I did just that, however we had about 10 friends coming over to hang out for the evening.  Oh and most were on their way already.  It was so hard!  I lied and said that I hurt my back.  That got me out of a lot of movement and holding babies.  I could not think of anything else with a house full of friends.  I knew it was over.

Well, pleasantly I was wrong.  The spotting stopped and I had nothing more since that afternoon.  We just went today for our 2nd ultrasound.  Our baby is just fine!  I am not sure I have ever taken a sigh of relief so big!  Doc said it was probably an irritant from the suppositories. 

Then...we heard....the most beautiful sound we have ever heard....our babies heartbeat.  Nothing prepares you for such an amazing moment.  There is not just cells growing inside you.  There is one little tiny perfect heartbeat!  I pray that you all get to experience this someday.  This moment was worth all the pain, heartache, and money!  Without further delay, our baby at 6w4d....

This was our last appt with Dr P.A.  I cannot believe it!  When we left I immediately called J (our nurse from our previous dr).  Months ago I said how much I loved her and how it was hard to leave her care.  Her office does not do IVF, but she continued communicating with Dr. P.A. (she is good friends with him and also works for his brother).  I text her to call me when she had a chance.  She immediately called me and sounded scared.  Our conversations are usually not about anything good so I could tell she was nervous about what I was going to tell her.  I immediately blurted out the words, I am pregnant!  Maybe even before hello.  It felt so good to say those words.  Oh yeah, if I have not said already we have not told our friends and family.  We are still waiting.  Not sure when will be the moment, but we just really want to feel like we are in a good place and we can say the words without any reservation.  I understand no date will ever be "safe," but to have heartbeat and several ultrasounds would make us more confident.  Oh and it is KILLING us!

So I am getting off track.  Anywho, we already have an appt with J and Dr. G.A. next week.  J is talking about running some tests (did not go into detail), ultrasound, intralipids, and on and on.  It just made me feel so much better.  She said she wants to be over cautiouss with me.  Awesome, cause I am already there!!

Thank you again for all of your continued support and congrats!  I feel you are all my friends that know some of the best and worst about me.  I am forever grateful for each and everyone of you!!

Introducing.....

Our baby......

I think these are my most favorite pictures ever!!  Even though my darling husband said that it looked like bad weather.  Got to love him!  We are thrilled and elated!  I figured based on my betas there was only going to be one.  Please do not hate me for saying I was a bit sad to see that both did not make it.  I am beyond happy and know how incredibly blessed we are.  It is just that I have prayed for these particular babies since April so yes, my heart does hurt a bit that they both did not survive.  I know that it is all of God's plan and I trust him. 

Today I had some mixed emotions.  Like I said, I am completely over the moon and cannot stop smiling.  However, when we walked out of the room I whispered to the nurse in case there was a fellow IFr around.  When I made my appt at the front desk, I hid my ultrasound pics because there was another couple waiting.  When I went to get my intralipid infusion the nurse kept asking me about everything and if I was pregnant.  I felt guilty because there were two other women in there and I was unsure whether they were pregnant.  Then today I wanted to blog, but I kept thinking of everyone that has not been successful, yet.  I wish we could all be pregnant!  I hate that anyone is still waiting! 

So to all of you out there waiting, if this pregnancy continues to go well (please Lord let this baby continue to grow healthy and strong) please feel free to stop reading my blog.  I know how painful it can be.  I want to continue to be able to write about all my experiences and I understand that is not what you want to hear.  I am still going to be around reading your blogs and supporting you.  I love you all and have faith that we all will hold our miracles someday.

In God's Hands

So I am not sure where to start. This post has been in edit mode for about a week. First off, thank you for all your prayers and especially to all that has checked back in when I did not post anything. My heart has been all over the place. I will try to give you a play by play.

On Thursday, August 5th at 10:00 am 2 perfect embryos were thawed and transferred.

I did not POAS or ask for the 1st beta results. My office does two and then usually gives you the results after the second one, unless you request to get the first one early.

I am glad that I waited because it turned out that on Wednesday, August 11th - 6dp5dt my 1st beta was only a 4. Had I got them that day I would have figured it was negative.

Friday, August 13th - 8dp5dt I was a nervous wreck. I had convinced myself that it was negative. I felt nothing at all. I finally received a call..... They told me the 1st bet and then 2nd beta was..... 28.
So we were thrilled and over the moon. Still staying cautious with the #'s so low starting out. However, the nurse did say with FET's the HCG levels almost always start out lower than a fresh cycle....did she say this to make me feel better? Oh well...they way more than doubled in 24 hours.

Monday, August 16th - 11dp5dt rolls around. The 3rd beta is 74. Conversation from nurse.
Nurse: 74 is good. I would have loved to see 84, but 74 is good. Let's do another beta on Wednesday to make sure the #'s did not go up, but are on their way down. *Sigh*

I know that 74 is not terrible, but I cannot help but remember all the other times where it was such a #'s game. The...it's not bad...but hoped it would be....comments from the nurse. Then before you know it, our baby is gone again.

The last two days I did not know what to think! Technically I am pregnant, but is this going to turn out just like the other ones?? Let yourself be happy until you have something to be sad about...is what I kept trying to tell myself. It did not work. My luck sucks....if I did not have bad luck I would have no luck at all. I told God it was in his hands....and it looks like he heard me.....

Wednesday, August 18th - 13dp5dt......143! No, we are far from out of the woods. But today, I am thrilled. Today, I am pregnant! God is good and no matter what is in stored for us with this pregnancy I believe he does have a plan. I trust in him. Thank you God for our little miracle!

My heart is pretty heavy right now for many other women out there. If you have not already, I would love for you to show your support to Jessica at Dreams of A Baby. I am so sad that our journey is not continuing on together down the same path right now. However, I am positive that good things are soon to come for her. She is an amazing woman and and an awesome friend! There is also Mama J at Her Womb, Our Hearts. The faith and strength she has is so inspiring! Finally, I just met Waiting for a Baby Bump her last week, but instantly felt we were in similar boats. She has waited so long for a miracle and my heart hurts that she has to continue to wait. I love all three of you and not all of us have even met! Please know I pray every day for you. I am confident that God will prevail and your hearts will soon be full!

Just Breathe

So the FET is done.  All went well.  Our two PGD perfect embryos thawed just fine.  Thank you God!  Here is a pic of them two after they were transferred.

It looks like just one blob but they are both right where the little arrow is pointing.  Love you babies!  Hold on for this journey!  Mom and Dad really want to meet you!

I of course wore my necklace and could not forget my lucky fertility socks!!

Now I am in the midst of my 2ww.  Wow, how on earth do I think about anything else?  How on earth did you lovely ladies pass the time?  Every moment I am consumed by the thought that I am..or I am not.  If I am...how many?  Will this finally be it?  Will this be just like the others?  How could I go on if this is not it?  How awesome would it be to finally tell our families and friends if this is it?  Am I extra tired because I am pregnant or am I just looking for something?  What was that little twinge?  Was it bad or good?  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Rolling Along

Last Saturday night Jerry and my family threw me a birthday party.  It was so much fun.  We had it at my brothers bar.  They have a nice patio out back and they reserved that for the party.  All of my family had on shirts with pictures of me over the years.  Some pics were better than others (awkward phase from age 8 to 18).  It was very creative and awesome.  I love my family! 

A few of our friends also surprised me...with a wheelchair!  To give you some back story...I have issues with my feet and legs.  It is a condition that is hereditary and me and one of my sisters have it.  It is nothing life threatening and I could go on and on about it, but that could be a whole separate post.  Long story short...I am not the best on my feet.  There has been a running joke for years that by the time I am 30 I will be in a wheelchair.  Well it came true!  It was a shiny red motorized wheelchair even decorated with streamers and balloons.  I got to say..I LOVED it!!

I motored around the party the rest of the evening.  At one point there were other people not from our party that came outside.  My friends were cracking up at their faces when I would get up from the chair.  They must have really thought I was wheelchair dependant and they had just witnessed a miracle.  The whole night was perfect.  Just hanging out and laughing with the people I love most!

Speaking of Rolling Along...  our transfer is this week.  Sorry, I am not going to tell the date.  Whether this cycle is good or bad I want the time for Jerry and I to accept/mourn/celebrate before having to announce to anyone.  To answer a couple of your questions though we are transferring two.  They are our only two that are good PGD embryos. 

I have been praying for these two embabies since April.  Every day I pray for their strength through this process.  I pray that God will give Jerry and I the opportunity to hold them in our arms.  I pray to our 5 angel babies that they will watch over their two siblings.  So the thought of one or even both of them not surviving, has struck me with terrible sadness.  I know that if I am pregnant with just one that I will be thrilled and feel blessed for the life inside me.  However, there will be a sadness for the other baby.  It will feel like I lost another.  I ask all of you for your prayers.  Please pray for our two precious babies.