Tip-toe through the Tulips!

Ok, so sorry I did not give any details on getting denied the other day. I was so upset and just did not feel like doing much of anything. That night I ended up meeting up with Jessica and Meghan. I had a great time and they both made me feel so much better! Thank you to all the rest of you out there for all the love and hugs! As you know, feeling that you are not alone can make this IF journey a little easier.

When I was told that I was denied, I was so upset that I just accepted everything they said. I called back the next day to get a better understanding on why I was not accepted. From what I was told (they would not be completely clear) your Annual Household Income had to be under a certain amount to be considered. We did meet this. However, if you made over this other amount (which we do), you would have to have so much of out of pocket expenses for infertility treatments for the previous year. They would not be clear on how much out of pocket expenses you had to have. They just told me that we had not met that. The woman then said after 1 round of IVF if we were not successful then we could reapply and maybe fit this criteria. Whoa whoa whoa! Not only did you just tell me that my husband and I are being REJECTED from your awesome program, but now you put some voodoo on my IVF cycle! You better back off woman!

So now we are back to square one. Jerry did say in the beginning to not get our hopes up. Looks like he was right. Sometimes I think if we did not have bad luck we would have no luck at all! Speaking of my DH...I came home last night and this beautiful bouquet was sitting on the table.

Tulips are my fav!

He was already asleep when I got home, but woke up when I came in the room. I crawled into bed and snuggled up. I said thank you for my flowers. He said, I just wanted to see you smile....awww. I guess I have better luck than I thought. Love you all out there! Stay strong and know I am praying for each and every one of you!

Too good to be true

I am writing this blog with tears just rolling down my face. I called Compassionate Care Program this morning, just to confirm they received my entire application (109 pages of our expenses with infertility last year). We have been denied acceptance into the program....

I do not have any other words.

Latest update

Sorry for no post in the last week! Every time I got the time to write something...I couldn't think of anything to write. Hmmm...what has happened in the last week....


I got the supplements in the mail so Jerry and I have been taking those. I can't believe I take 3 a day! Sounds excessive, but what do I know!?


I applied for the Compassionate Care Program (thank you again Jessica!) to possibly receive free IVF meds. That is around $3000 worth of meds! I am eagerly awaiting news and hoping to God that we get approved!!

There were a few ups and downs. The baby shower was not bad. Except for the part where my Aunt asked how I was. I answered with a big smile on my face and said super. She responded back with I am sure you are not. Wow, thanks! Well, I was super...but now that you just reminded me, yeah I guess I would like to run out of here. I have NEVER said anything about our battles with IF to this aunt or any of my extended family for that matter. So whoever you are that has spilled the beans...THANKS! I am glad now instead of just feeling inside that I am a barren freak, everyone else now knows it!
Since I am on a rampage at this point I will fill you in on another lovely comment. This comment came from a prego. She has made MANY comments during her pregnancy that have completely driven me crazy. Oh, and she is only 4 months along. To give you a little background...
I am catholic. I was raised catholic (baptized, first communion, confirmation, grade school, high school, etc.) I cannot say that I have been the best catholic the last few years...obviously since I am pursuing IVF...but I do go to church and try my best to be a good christian. So prego says she is Catholic, but never goes to church...which is completely fine I am not judging anyone! The conversation came up about Lent and what the Catholics in the room were giving up for Lent. For anyone that is not Catholic or does not know, Lent is a 40 day period that begins on Ash Wednesday and concludes on Easter. Lent is considered a time of penance and discipline, hence the "giving up something" as I earlier stated. I said that I gave up alcohol. So here comes the comment....and might I point out that prego looks right at me....pause again... (Prego knows that I have been trying for a family for years and that we have had multiple miscarriages) Ok, back to comment...she says....I figure I had to give up alcohol and cigarettes now that I am pregnant so I figure I have given up enough.....
WHAT?!?!?!?! You HAD to give up alcohol and cigarettes!? Do you know what I would give up to be pregnant?!!? I would give up air if I could!!!! Oh, and I have given up enough! Seriously!? You say you are catholic so you believe that God gave up his own son for you! You have been given the greatest GIFT ever and you feel like not drinking and smoking is enough. I am going to stop there because I was taught if you do not have anything nice to say to not say it at all. Also, as a Catholic I try every day to not be angry and bitter. As you can see I am human and the ugly side surfaces at times. Oh, freakin IF...go away....

The decision has been made...

I ordered the Fertility Blend vitamins! Response from my dr, "These are fine substitutes."
The nurse also responded with "Most of our patients are on the antioxidant vitamins while they undergo IVF prep and treatment. We feel these antioxidants such as Fertility Blend, Total Fertility and/or Male Fertility Supplement can benefit overall outcome." They also sent me some information on the importance of these antioxidants.

So there you have it! I ordered a three month supply today. Shipping was free, so for a 3 month supply for both my husband and I was $130. That is around a $350 savings!!!! It actually gets even better. The company states that if you purchase the 3 month or 6 month supply and get pregnant, you can return any unopened bottles for a refund! I feel so good right now that I saved so much money and my dr has approved the product.

I am in such a good mood right now that the pit in my stomach that I have had all week because I have a baby shower tomorrow, is gone. Throughout the last few years I have gone to every baby shower I have been invited to. Some of you may think I am crazy to put myself throught that torture. They are all hard and each a constant reminder of something I do not and may never have. No matter how hard they are, I feel that it is very imporatnt that I attend. These women are people in my lives that mean the most to me. This day is one of the THE happiest moments in their life. This day is not about me. So yes I will keep busy and not watch the adorable little outfits being opened, yes I will join in on the conversations that do include what baby products are best, and yes I will come home and cry to my husband. However, I will be there to celebrate the life of a child and that is what the day is supposed to be about.

Awesome news....followed by...are you kidding me?!?

Ok....very excited....but now not sure.

As a previous post explained, my dr recommended antioxidants for both myself and my husband. I was INCREDIBLY dissapointed when I found out they were $85 per each month supply. He said that if I found something with similar ingredients that I could take them instead. I searched, but came up empty. Today I stumbled across a site that I thought may provide a similar product.

FertilityBlend

I called the Clinical nurse at my dr's office and told her the name of the product and if it would be sufficient to the Total Fertility and Fertile One supplements they had recommended. I gave her the website...but not convinced she checked it out. She said that they would be fine. WOOOOOHOOO! Why do I say woohoo, you ask? I say woooohooo because a one month supply total for the both of us, with what they recommend is $170. A one month supply total for the both of us, with the FertilityBlend is $52.99. WOW!!!!!!!!

So very excited about my find, I get ready to order the product and stumble across this......
In regards to the Fertility Blend for Women:
FertilityBlend for Women is not a drug. It is a daily nutritional supplement. While it is not intended for the treatment of any disease, it may be used as a "soft" approach to optimize fertility in a natural manner, as an option prior to, or instead of, "hard" options such as in vitro fertilization or fertility drugs. FertilityBlend does not have the degree of side effects associated with drug therapy, but it should not be combined with IVF or drug therapy due to the risk of enhancing or interfering with those effects.

Ummmmm.....but I am going to be doing IVF......

Then reading up on the mens formula....

Although FertilityBlend for Women should not be combining with IVF or fertility drugs due to possible hormone interactions, men's FertilityBlend should not interfere with these type of fertility treatments.

Ok, so that is good news!
However, when I checked the ingredients, there are quite a few more ingredients in the Fertile One supplement than the Fertility Blend.

So...what is a girl to do? The nurse said yeah it was fine, but I can't help but second guess after what I just read. I went ahead and emailed the nurse and dr about my concerns. I will keep you all posted. What do you all think? As if I was not stressed out enough.......

A Talk With My Unborn Child

I came across this poem and wanted to share with everyone. I am sure many have written letters or spoken similar words late at night to all of our babies we have lost or still yearn to meet. God bless you all and I pray that we will all be able to hold our little ones very soon.

A Talk With My Unborn Child
a poem by Amy Borens

These arms of mine are still empty, it's been far too many years.
I can hardly keep them hidden, the heartache and the tears.
I am waiting for you, sweet angel to bless my life, my heart, my soul.
I think I've been a good wife, now I want so much a mother's role.
My life doesn't seem complete.You are not there to hold.
A big piece of my life is missing your destiny is yet untold.
I see you in my dreams, baby ten little fingers and toes.
You have your Mommy's blue eyes and your daddy's ears and nose.
When my eyes are closed I think will your room be pink or blue?
And how much of my life will pass before all my dreams come true?
Will I ever know the joy of rocking you at night?
Telling bedtime stories and tucking you in tight?
Will I ever be able to comfort you when you fall and scrape your knee?
To kiss and make it better at the tender age of three?
Can I watch you graduate and drive you to the mall?
Your dad could take you fishing and teach you to play ball.
Will you make me a grandma when I am old and gray?
Looking back at my life I would be blessed in every way.
So why have I been left behind when I have so much to give?
I would gladly show you the whole world if you could only come to live.
Will my turn ever come? I search my anguished mind.
But questions without answers is all I seem to find.
I go home every night and fight the tightness in my chest.
The silence is so deafening in my big empty nest.
I guess God has a plan for me and I shouldn't have such fear.
But why you can't be in my life he hasn't made quite clear.
I pray for you little one everyday, can you hear?
So tell God we are ready to hold you forever dear.
You would never go without. We would shower you with love.
My little piece of heaven Sent from up above.

Antioxidants

So the dr is recommending that Jerry and I both start taking antioxidants. For me, they are called Total Fertility. For Jerry, they are called Fertile One. The kicker....they are $85 each for a month supply. They want us on them for 6-8 weeks before IVF. So we are looking at $340 just on antioxidants.
I am wondering if anyone else has been recommended or has taken them. Has anyone found a similar product cheaper?