Our Christmas Card

I was not going to send out Christmas Cards this year. I mean what kind of picture could I send out? Jerry and I in matching sweaters?! A picture of our dog dressed up...again...uh if we did that again then we would be "that" couple :)
I feel that your Christmas card should reflect the last year. A new home, a new baby, a beautiful vacation.....well our year was just not anything I wanted to capture in a Christmas Card. So thanks to Photoshop we were able to improvise. I hope you enjoy!

Christmas When you Were Mine

As Christmas approaches I am getting very anxious. I do truly love this time of year. Getting together with friends and family. All the smiles and laughter. The silly traditions that we all secretly love. However, it also reminds me of what I am missing. With the little ones running around and talking about Santa I can't help but think my child should be with them. The chair next to me should have my child scarffing down grandmas good cooking.
Ever notice how many Christmas songs have the word "baby" in them? Now I am aware that they typically are saying baby about a boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, etc. However, everytime I now hear the songs I think of an actual baby. One of my favorite songs is "All I want for Christmas is You". I have loved this song for many years, but for the last few years it has taken on a new meaning for me. Baby, all I want for Christmas is you.
I just recently purchased the Holiday Taylor Swift CD (say what you will, I love her). The second Song "Christmases When You Were Mine" has touched a special chord. Again, this song is about a boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend). To me, it means so much more. "Everybody's here, except you, baby. Seems like everyone's got someone to hold, but for me it's just a lonely time Cause there were Christmases when you were mine." I am surrounded by so much love these holidays, but I can't help but think of all of our babies that I have lost. There were Christmases when they were mine.

Ok...bring on the laughs

Ok, so I promised the next post would be full of laughs.... if this does not make you at least grin you might as well stop reading my blog :)

If you do not know my husband there are two things that you will need to know about him to really make this story funny. Jerry is a very clean and tidy man. This can also include his appearance. His hair cannot get over a certain length and facial hair drives him crazy. One evening a couple of his buddies bet him that he could not grow a beard. Knowing how much he cannot stand hair on his face, they thought they had this in the bag. He took the bet....and immediately regretted it the next day. That same day we were at our doctors office and out of nowhere he told our nurse that he was growing out his beard until we have a baby. Whoa...talk about adding more stress to the pot! :) So now on top of all of our infertility issues my husband is now going to look like a caveman!

To all of you that noticed in the beginning of this blog that I said there were two things you needed to know about my husband...the other is his sense of humor! EVERYday this man makes me laugh and some days that is a pretty hard task.

So Jerry did it...he grew an actual full grown beard! He made it to the date that him and his friends agreed on. Unfortunately, the week before this date we found out we were having another ectopic pregnancy. So we decided to have a little fun with the removal of his beard......

Every cloud has a silver lining

So I had Jerry read my first post. His response, "That is rather....deep." I want to follow my original post to say that the last few years were not all tears and heartache. As any woman battling infertility knows there is plenty of that. However, I want to also focus on the good that has come from our journey. Yes there is good...though sometimes very very hard to see.

Tragedy can tear people apart or bring them together and create a special bond. I feel that our marriage and relationship has only strengthened over the years because of our experiences. Jerry was able to make me laugh in some of my darkest moments.
Our families have supported us and comforted us in every possible way. We have truly been blessed by their love.
The support from friends was amazing. Though it can be very hard for me to open up and talk about our experiences, I did confide in a few friends. I am forever greatful for their words of encouragement and allowing me to cry and scream.
We have even made new friends that we will forever cherish. There are still good people out there...and angels on earth do exist.
I feel that my faith has definitely been tested. At times I may have had some choice words for God. However, I never completely lost my faith. In ways I feel it is stronger than ever. I do still feel in my heart that we are meant to be parents and I do not think that any of this are signs that we should not. I just think we are going down a different path than most. God has a plan for everyone. Our path is just making us stronger and will help us to provide more love for our family when the time finally comes.

Ok....so I think I was still too deep, but I am being honest. I promise...next post, nothing but laughs!

Welcome to our page

This is the story of our journey in becoming a family. When Jerry and I were married we said our vows and meant them. For better or worse.....we just never expected the first years of marriage to be filled with so much heartache. Through this journey of infertility, though often inconceivable, we have only grown closer. Jerry is truly my best friend, and I am thankful every day to have him by my side every step of the way.

I am starting this site after reading blogs from other women that battled infertility. It gave me so much comfort knowing that I am not alone. That all the times I could not sleep because we were awaiting results. That each time I was pregnant every twinge or cramp, or even lack of any sign made my mind spiral into what that meant. That the loss of a child, no matter how early, always takes away a piece of your heart. I was never alone. For that, I hope that someday my story will give another woman some comfort.