The day after we returned from Mexico I was leaving to go on my annual Girl's weekend. Every summer, around 10 of us girls get together at the Lake of the Ozarks for a weekend. This was our 10th annual trip. I would love to tell you that I had just as much fun over the weekend as I did in Mexico. Unfortunately, that is not the case.
I first want to say that I love all these women dearly. They are all amazing women. We have been friends for so long and have been through so much together. Every year I look forward to our weekend. This year was the exception. This year was the first year out of 11 women where I was the only one without child. Nine of them have 1 or 2 children. The other one is due in August. I want to tell you that this does not matter. I want to tell you that nothing has changed. I want to tell you I had just as much fun as I do every year. However, what I am about to say would probably crush any one of those women...
I wanted to leave the moment I got there. The entire weekend surrounded around baby talk. At one point I walked into the kitchen and the topic was breastfeeding (there were several pumps around the condo). I ducked out and went out on the deck. The topic was potty-training. Stuck around for a couple minutes so it was not obvious and walked back in. I grabbed my phone and started texting my husband. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I just wanted to be normal.
In no way am I hurt by these women. Most of them do not even know anything about what I have been through. Even if they did, I don't want them to have the change when they are around me. Being a mother is the or one of the most important things in their life. They should be able to discuss, brag, glow, etc. BUT I FEEL SO SHOULD I! Instead I feel this giant hole inside. This empty shell of a person that once was.
I know I am being super dramatic right now, but it is seriously how I feel inside. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer today especially after my last cheerful post. However, I guess this is my life. One day good...one day, not so good.
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That totally sucks!! It is so frustrating to put in that situation time after time.
ReplyDeleteThe thing that I have the most difficult time with is that we are "trying" so hard to be moms and be included in those conversations and we really have no control over it. It's a punch to the gut to hear my friends and family constantly talk about there children because Dan & I want nothing more than to be parents!!
((HUGS))
So sorry to hear of your bummer weekend – It really sucks. I know there is nothing worse than not feeling a part of the conversation. I am proud of you for even going…I am not sure if I would have.
ReplyDeleteI hope that next year you will be showing of photos of your baby and telling your delivery story!
I totally get it. I went to a friend's birthday party and it was all Mom's and their kids. I felt so out-of-place. My good friend even apologized to me afterwards because she knew it had to be awkward for me.
ReplyDeleteI'm looking forward to your FET. You have waited so long to get those embies in you. I'm thinking positive for you....and sending out lots of positive vibes for this to be the one/or two!!
I'm so sorry you had a tough time this weekend. And you are more than allowed to be a Debbie Downer from time to time! Try to focus on the amazing time you had in Mexico (and you look gorgeous in your photo!) and remember you are so strong and tenacious and I'm sending good vibes for your next cycle!
ReplyDeleteLTB
Oh wow. I am so very sorry. It is completely understandable as to why you felt that way and YES, you should be able to join in. I am praying your day is right around the corner hon. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteThat sucks T. :( I had to walk away a couple of times last weekend too b/c everything was centered around baby talk & I just can't handle it.
ReplyDeleteHang in there - we all understand when you need to cry or vent about this crazy TTC journey. :(
Oh, I'm sorry. This must have been so hard.
ReplyDeleteHave you considered telling them? Not necessarily to spend all the time talking about these issues, but so that they know and can respect your need for space, for other topics?
Thinking of you.
I completely understand how you feel. I just started following your blog, but I can totally relate. It is so hard. I feel I have lost myself to infertility some days. I long for that care free person who I used to be. It's fine to have those moments. I say that because sometimes we have to give ourselves that validation. I wish you all the best and will be praying for your success in family building. Thanks for sharing your story.
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