Inconceivable Journey: Every day is a gift...

Monday, May 10, 2010

Every day is a gift...

So why do I want to fast forward? Why do I want to go home and crawl back to bed? Today is not a good day as you can all guess. I really did ok yesterday until last night. Laying in bed with my DH and here come the waterfalls. It was a really nice day. I had a great time celebrating my mother, my mother in law, and my sisters as mothers. It is just at the end of the night I am still with empty arms.
I am told again...next year...it has been 4 years that I have been told...next year. When will I just give up? When will I stop torturing myself? When will this pain go away?

I started spotting this weekend. Today is Day 17. Not time to spot! I went in on Friday (the apt where my dr said we WOULD know for sure whether we would be doing the FET in May. Shocking news....no answer on Friday. Follicles only around 12. Doc wants me to come in tomorrow for yet another $45 ultrasound. So now with me spotting over the weekend I am sure we are out for May. I have no idea what it means....but let's get real...it never works out.

So Debbie Downer is going to sign off for now....sorry....hope you all are having a better Monday than I am!

8 comments:

RachMay 10, 2010 at 1:04 PM
Oh, sorry things are rocky. I hope the clinic makes a decision soon.
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JessicaMay 10, 2010 at 1:18 PM
I am right there with ya...twin!!! ((HUGS))
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AMay 10, 2010 at 1:47 PM
Oh gosh- how much can I say I.HATE.SPOTTING!! I'm so sorry that it's happening to you. You should be proud of yourself for holding it together yesterday!! I will be praying for you (HUG)
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Amber CMay 10, 2010 at 4:05 PM
I am so sorry. I am sending you a big ol' cyber hug right now! Feel it? :) I have been thinking about you and will continue to.
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jeannaMay 10, 2010 at 8:25 PM
(((HUGS))) this isn't easy, not one bit and that is an understatement.
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SarahMay 11, 2010 at 8:28 PM
I'm sorry you had a bad night :( I'm really starting to hate the calendar...months flying by..years flying by. Im tired of saying "next christmas. next mother's day, next time..." Hugs to you :)
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TwoDogMamaMay 11, 2010 at 9:06 PM
I'm sorry things are not going your way. It totally sucks I know and you have the right to be sad. Those drugs can wreck your body and cycles. Hang in there and take care of yourself.
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Basic GirlMay 12, 2010 at 6:18 PM
I'm sorry hun, know I'm thinking about you and hoping things start turning around soon!! (((HUGS)))
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Our Story

DECEMBER 2006

After a year of trying to get pregnant....the stick finally said it...Pregnant! We waited until Christmas to tell our families. What a surprise it was to all get photos of our positive pregnancy test!

Five days later, our gift was gone.

JUNE 2006

We had thought immediately after our miscarriage it would just happen again. After 6 months we decided to go see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. My ob had referred me to Dr W. We went through a series of tests. At that time determined that there was an issue with my cervical mucus and the survival of sperm.

JULY 2006

Underwent our first IUI treatment along with Clomid. It was unsuccessful.

SEPTEMBER 2006

Underwent our second IUI treatment along with Clomid, again unsuccessful.

NOVEMBER 2006

Underwent our third IUI treatment along with Clomid. Along with being unsuccessful it resulted in Ovarian Hyperstimulation.

JANUARY 2007

Decided to see another RE. Referred by a former patient (and successful patient) We went to Dr A and RN J. Again, went through a series of tests. Discovered at that time I had a condition called Genetic Thrombophilia a well as MTHFR.

MARCH 2007

Underwent another IUI. This time I had to give myself daily blood thinner injections to treat the Thrombophilia. We also lowered our dose of Clomid to avoid hyperstimulting my ovaries. We were unsuccessful in getting pregnant.

JUNE 2007

Underwent another IUI. Instead of Clomid this time we used Follistim and continued the Lovenox shots. Again, unsuccessful and feeling very defeated!

JULY 2007

More tests!! Seriously, I believe we were tested for everything!! It came back that I had elevated levels of NK cells.

SEPTEMBER 2007

Underwent yet another IUI, but beforehand had an infusion of intralipids and as well as after the IUI. This is to supress the NK cells. Still nothing....

JANUARY 2008

Another IUI with Intralipids, Follistim, Lovenox, Progesterone, Folic Acid, Prenatal...whew! I am a walking pharmacy! Once again unsuccessful....angry....depressed....defeated.

MAY 2008

Laproscopic surgery to determine if I have endometriosis. Endometrial lesions were found and removed. I had a terrible reaction to the anesthesia. Uncontrollable shaking for 24 hours after surgery.

JUNE 2008 - AUGUST 2008

Turning 28 and going through Menopause! Holy Cow, hot flashes are terrible!! I was having menopause symptoms due to being on Lupron to treat the Endometriosis.

SEPTEMBER 2008

Done with the Lupron now have to wait two cycles before starting everything again....getting very anxious.

DECEMBER 2008

It is go time! Had IUI and found out the week after Christmas that we were pregnant! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

JANUARY 2009

NOT AGAIN! How could this be possible!! We lost our baby once again! The loss was....there are just no words to describe the emptiness we felt.

FEBRUARY 2009

Since there was no sac we could immediately try again this next cycle. THIS time had to be it! We had another IUI and bam! We were blessed for the third time, but within two weeks gone once again. We were overwhelmed with emptiness and hopelessness...just two days before Valentines day.

MARCH 2009

Trying again, but still feeling very hopeless. I am not sure I can go through losing another child. We again got pregnant right away. Everything was looking great. We were further along then we ever had been. J called us with the latest HCG levels. They had skyrocketed! This is finally going to be it!

APRIL 2009

Our child was still growing, but not where they needed to be. I was having an Ectopic pregnancy. Since our baby would not be able to survive within the tube I had to get an injection of Methotrexate. After two weeks, my HCG level was not dropping like it should. Had to get another shot of Methotrexate. Several weeks later still not decreasing enough. At that point I had a D&C. That little baby was our fighter. He did not give up, which made it that much harder.

MAY 2009

It was time to give my body some rest. We had lost 4 babies at this point. Even if my body could take it, my heart could not try again.

AUGUST 2009

After talking to Dr G and J about our previous pregnancies we decided to try one more time. The thought was that maybe I was not having an Embryo issue, that with my Thrombophilia it is just more common to have Ectopic Pregnancies. We were so close last time. Trying this time with intralipids and ivig.

SEPTEMBER 2009

10th J called....we had been blessed with another little life growing inside!

29th Had first ultrasound to see our little sac. The dissapointment was overwhelming when there was nothing there. We had another ectopic pregnancy...another gift was gone.

OCTOBER 2009

Phone Consultation with Dr P.A. to discuss IVF. This is very hard for me because we had really formed a relationship with J. Starting over with another RE, especially when we had grown to completely trust the last one, was not something we wanted to do. However, they had done everything they could(they do not specialize in IVF). I never ever ever thought we would end up here. Contimplating going through with IVF in the January cycle.

NOVEMBER 2009

More tests with P.A.'s office. Seriously, how can there possibly be THAT many things to test!! My Uterus and follicles got an A! It is nice to get good results once in awhile! Jerry's morphology a little low, Dr. P.A. recomended antioxidants.

DECEMBER 2009

Decided to hold off on January cycle. At this time we do not have the fundage. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee with IVF and our insurance....for lack of better words...sucks! I also want some more time to really research IVF and completely understand the whole process.

JANUARY 2010

Just waiting on a winning lottery ticket, Leprechaun with a pot of gold, or just one simple tiny miracle.....

FEBRUARY 2010

Still saving money....and waiting on that Leprechaun :)

MARCH 2010

Officially signed up for IVF in April. Anxious, nervous, excited, scared...you name it!

APRIL 2010

First IVF cycle pretty rough. OHSS and had to cancel transfer. Have 4 frozen embabies. Two of them are are perfect PGD embryos!

MAY 2010

FET cancelled. Did not ovulate. Trying to give my body a rest and not medicate it. Will try Natural FET in June...if I ovulate.

JUNE 2010

FET cancelled...again. No dominant follicle. Time for meds and making this FET happen early August.

JULY 2010

Going for a medicated FET. Started meds on 07/12/10. Transfer scheduled for August 5th.

AUGUST 2010

Transfer on August 5th.....success! Celebrating the life growing inside!!!

SEPTEMBER 2010

Baby still growing strong. Heard the heartbeat...it was amazing! Cannot wait to tell our families about our miracle...finally!

OCTOBER 2010-To Date

Preparing for our miracle!!

Inconceivable Journey

Monday, May 10, 2010

Every day is a gift...

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